devastation. what is more poetic than this? how can I forget the night I couldn't lift a thing without my arm violently shaking or hours spent practicing until I was wracked with pain and my hand was numb. loss of control in my left hand and occupational therapy that I never fully put to use. For the first time I had actually ignored the pain until it was unbearable. So when I couldn't take my shirts off without tearing up and it hurt more than anything to play, I called my cousin to ask her what was happening to me. they tell me I potentially have thoracic outlet syndrome and that my ulnar nerve is probably damaged in two different locations. I show every symptom but the physical tests for it are not coming back positive. regardless, this means exercising those fine muscles in my shoulder and forearm- strength training, stretching, relaxing.
I've known something was wrong. now there's just a name for the pain. these will be the most frustrating and painful years of my life but I can't wait. because music is all I want.

buckledown.buckledown.buckledown.&fight.